


The Mask I Wear

by Rey_KnightofRen



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo POV, Crait (Star Wars), F/M, Force Bond, Kylo Ren PoV, Reylo - Freeform, Snoke - Freeform, The Last Jedi - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 17:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20246677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rey_KnightofRen/pseuds/Rey_KnightofRen
Summary: A Star Wars/Reylo one-shot: Moments after the Battle of Crait, Kylo Ren/Ben Solo reflects on the possible end of his Force Bond with Rey. He finally has to admit to himself how much he cares about her, and how much he’s now lost.





	The Mask I Wear

Ben Solo had never hated himself more than he hated himself in the moment after Rey slammed the door of the  _ Falcon  _ shut, severing their Force Bond forever. 

At least, he assumed it was forever. He could tell by the hurt and disappointment he saw simmering in her eyes that at least right now, she didn’t want to ever see him or talk to him again. 

Could he blame her? 

Ben remained kneeling on the ground, knowing that General Hux was probably lingering right outside the door, watching him intensely. Ben couldn’t afford to let Hux see too much of the emotions churning inside of him, after he’d already humiliated himself in front of the entire First Order. 

Ben might have killed Snoke and appointed himself Supreme Leader, but he knew just how tenuous a hold he had on his newfound power. In fact, if Hux and the First Order troopers didn’t have such a strong fear of his volatile Force powers, they might have deposed “Kylo Ren” already. 

Everyone in the galaxy hated Kylo Ren; well, Ben’s dark secret was that he hated Kylo Ren too, but he couldn’t find a way to stop needing that persona, that mask he put on in both a physical and emotional sense. Kylo Ren was supposed to give him confidence and power. But now Kylo Ren had taken away the one person left in this galaxy who still cared about him. 

_ Rey... _

Just thinking her name hurt, and though he couldn’t quite admit it to himself yet, he’d been a complete and utter fool.

Even after watching him kill Han Solo, Rey had somehow believed there was something still inside Kylo Ren that was worth saving. She’d come to him on board the Supremacy, and had fought alongside him against Snoke’s Praetorian Guards. 

Like an idiot, he’d misinterpreted the strength and depth of their Force Bond. In the seconds after the battle in the throne room, when his emotions had been running hot, he’d felt like he could take on the whole galaxy. She’d join him, he knew she would, and they would rule together. As victors, no longer victims. 

And so he’d been stunned and devastated when she’d rejected his offer. He’d laid his soul bare, offered her everything he had, and everything he was, and she’d thrown it back at him. She tried to take the legacy saber he so desperately wanted, and it ended up cracking in two, the Force perhaps unwilling to let either of them have it. 

The shattering of the saber had left him unconscious, and he’d awoken, full of rage. He was fully Kylo Ren in that moment; any shards left of “Ben Solo” were burned away by his anger. He’d followed the First Order to Crait, ready to exact his vengeance. His mother was already dead — killed by another pilot though Ben had tried to spare her — and so he had nothing to hold him back from fully unleashing his wrath. 

That’s when the unthinkable happened — his uncle Luke, the man he both hated and feared more than anyone else in this galaxy, had appeared to him. Blinded by his rage, Kylo hadn’t been thinking about the logistics of what he’d seen. He didn’t realize he was fighting a projection until it was too late, and he’d made a fool of himself in front of the entire Resistance and the First Order. 

Hux would make him pay for that. It wouldn’t be right away, because Hux wouldn’t dare to oppose him directly. Yet that battle with Luke was yet another crack in the facade Ben was trying so desperately to maintain. He’d have to watch his back even more carefully than he already did, and the thought utterly exhausted him. 

Now that he’d expended all his rage in his “fight” with his uncle that had been just an illusion in the end, all Ben was left with was regret. Once he rose to his feet and turned back to face Hux, he hoped the rage that had always sustained him would come rushing back in, and he could transform into Kylo Ren once more. But for now, as he held his father’s lucky dice — which also proved to be an illusion and were slowly fading away — he was just Ben Solo. 

In Snoke’s throne room, he’d told Rey, “You’re nothing...but not to me.” That was a lie. Rey wasn’t “nothing”; she was everything. He could admit that, here in this moment where everything had been stripped away from him. He hadn’t wanted to feel anything more for the scavenger from Jakku than a desire to recruit her to the First Order; Snoke had seen her only as a potential asset, a tool to use to channel the Force. 

But somehow, this Rey with no family, no legacy had worked her way into his shattered heart and made him feel something he’d never felt before. 

He wanted to hate her, had tried to convince himself that he hated her as he raged at her after she turned on him in the throne room. But that was yet another lie he’d told himself. 

He loved her; he couldn’t explain it, and he also couldn’t deny it. Snoke had twisted and manipulated him so thoroughly, but there were enough pieces of his humanity left to care about this powerful women, with fire and the Force burning in her veins. She’d actually come to him, willing to forgive him, and then he’d thrown that all away. And he had no one to blame but himself.

“Supreme Leader?” 

He could hear the ice in Hux’s clipped tone, and could picture the disdain in his expression. 

Ben couldn’t linger here forever; in fact, he’d lingered too long already. He had to project an image of strength and confidence. Luke’s little trick wasn’t a defeat, just a setback. 

“Are you coming?”

As Hux’s impatience rose, so did his boldness. Ben knew it was time to go.

For one final second, he closed his fist around the now disappeared dice, and he sucked in a sharp breath. He tried to push the scavenger from his mind, even though he already knew it wouldn’t work. Now that she was in his heart, there would be no getting her out. She would completely undo him. 

If only he’d said the truth to her in the throne room:  _ “Rey, I have nothing. I’m nothing. But I want to be something to you.” _

If only he’d suggested they run away together. 

If only—

Ben Solo stood to his feet, clutching his lightsaber so that Hux would be reminded of the power he still wielded. 

“General Hux, prepare my ship,” he said as coldly and calmly as possible. “We have a great deal of work to do.”

And with that, Kylo Ren strode out of the cave and back into the desolate salt flats of Crait. 


End file.
